Healing the Family Rift

The Cause

Today’s families are not like the families before the age of computers, cellphones, video games, social websites, etc.  Back before 1980, families gathered around the table for dinners, for meetings, board games, etc.

When I was a kid, every night we sat around the table for 2 of the 3 meals of the day and on weekends, all 3 meals.  We watched movies and sports as a family, all 6 of us stuffed into a small living room in front of the TV.

When I was 15 and my family moved to the farm, all of us including my parents pulled weeds, tilled the ground, planted seed, harvested the fruit and vegetables and then spent weekends canning, processing and preserving the harvest.

I admit, I hated everything about it.  I hated the work, the lost free time and the fact I was “stuck” with my sisters, brother and parents.

When I was baptized LDS however, I held Family Home Evening with my son, now 25 and even though he was disabled, my FHE weren’t long but then they didn’t have to be long, just long enough to fit his attention span.  We were celebrating as a family.

When I was a kid growing up, I really loved the holidays.  We trimmed the tree during Christmas.  We had our own little job during the Thanksgiving Dinner and on Easter, my mom and us kids went to Mass for the Easter service, my father hid the Easter Eggs.  By golly we celebrated as a family.

Even as I solo raised my son, I did so for a good share of his life in the church as a convert.  He was about 7 years old when I joined the LDS church and he saw how others celebrated.  At times we were the adopted family the church then gave us boxes of wrapped presents and we never knew who quietly snuck them onto our front porch, knocked, giggled as they ran.  I taught my son that this was “Service” and why it was important we have it in our family and lives.

Growing up, in the times of plenty, my parents took vacations.  When there was a trip for vacation, all of us decided: Disneyland or Magic Mountain and we voted.  Dad had the final say, of course.

My son’s favorite game was Candy Land.  When my Respite worker (a fellow sister of my Ward)found this hand-held gem at a yard sale, son took to it like a duck to water, and he played with it for it’s music.

The board game he was actually very good at playing, so good, he creamed us both just as he did when he played Uno.

Mom would cream us at Scrabble and Crazy 8.  Dad creamed us at sports.  Family discussions were done once a week and we learned how to problem solve.

When was the last time your family gathered around the table for a dinner or to discuss the vacation destination or to discuss a problem?  When was the last time the family got together for Charades or to pray?

Now more than ever the family dynamic is facing tough opposition with sporting practice, social hang outs, parents working long hours or any number of reasons.

The Effect

What happens when a family doesn’t take time out each week for family centered activity be it dinner, a game, a movie, discussion, planning?  The family fails.

We have a lot on our plates these days as parents and as kids.  If we’re not job searching, dealing with lack of money and lack of work, we’re dealing with our children losing their innocence sooner and sooner with drugs, gangs, social ills, hunger and poverty forcing many to crime and the entire change of what constitutes “family.”

Many children come from broken families or where one or more parents are either abusing them or drugs/alcohol.  The family dynamic has never been the same since the introduction of the technological age and the gadgets that come with it.

Kids learn by example.  If the parents fail to set time aside, communication fails and problems go unresolved.  Kids fail to learn they can turn to the family time for answers and that each learn to take turns, has a voice and a place in the family.

So what’s the solution?  Where do we start?

The Solution

Heavenly Father made the family a unit for a reason, father, mother and children all working together in harmony but it starts with the head of the house, the nurturing mother backs up her husband and the kids learn obedience.

Family night doesn’t have to be complicated.  Kids can learn to plan just as well as the parents can.  Kids can select an age appropriate theme to do for the next week and parents can teach their child to plan out and prepare for the night.

Movies, games, discussion, themed dinner, themed activity or even a themed trip are all great ways to spend ONE night per week just as a family.

Turn off the TV (unless to watch a movie), turn off the cellphone, the computer (unless to watch a themed video) and just as a family, be together as a solid unit.

Families can be 2-? in memberships and if you are solo, join in on another family or use this time to do some service, visit a sick or ailing neighbor or friend; take over some baked goodies to a family or hold your own “family” evening with other single ladies or gentlemen.  No rule or law against having a singles game night.

Don’t forget to make it count.  Just getting together once a week is wonderful, but, make it themed.  Service might be one theme.  For service, you might discuss why it’s important, study service by reading about it in the Bible, watching a themed video demonstrating service, serve in a soup kitchen or shelter, have the kids “serve” parents and parents “serve” kids and so on.

As LDS Brothers and Sisters, we know the Church dedicates Monday evenings each week for Family Home Evening but, that doesn’t mean it’s the only time you must hold it.  Anytime during the week is fine as long as you hold it for your family.

Now more than ever we must preserve the family unit because the world won’t preserve it.  The more we do as parents and Saints, the better our children will carry FHE with their families and teach their kids the importance of FHE and why we hold them.

Temples

Fresno, California Temple

Today our message during Sacrament, Gospel Essentials and Relief Society was on the Priesthood and Temples.

Having taken my Endowments in 1998 in Oakland, CA Temple, and since I had been inactive since 2000, I can tell you that missing out on having a Recommend is one of many blessings I have been missing out on but, it’s the most important one I have been missing out on.  WHY?

My birthday in 1998 when I went to the Oakland, CA Temple was one of the best experiences since my baptism since joining the church in 1994.

One thing that touched my soul having been through for my own work that the peaceful feeling one gets knowing you stand in for those that have passed before being able to accept the Gospel, become Baptized, Married or even attend the Temple for their Endowments.  Those that have gone through for others claim it’s one of the best and most wonderful feelings you can have including the knowledge that they are there with you as you perform this wonderful work.

I hope to attend soon.  I am working on receiving my Recommend and I want to perform the Ordinances I can perform as a single Sister for other Sisters that left this life before they were able to enjoy going to the Temple.

What was your most memorable experience with Temples and why was it different for you than the other times you attended?

Oakland, CA Temple

Mind Power

I’ve learned in the past several weeks in my course of work that the mind can be a powerful instrument.  If used negatively, one can make the closest of friends into enemies.

When things are misunderstood, taken out of context, words said in the heat of anger or in plotting revenge for something real or imagined, it can be devastating.  When used positively the bitterest enemies can mend fences and become friends.  Building up, encouraging, empowering one another is our primary goal.

Tearing down someone is easy, building up someone is easy too but not when it’s in repairing a wrong or hurtful thing said to a friend.  That friend now mistrusts, hurts and wonders why they were targeted.  Unfortunately once said even if indirectly as in venting cannot be unsaid.  Even true friends can become fast enemies when the mind overcomes the tongue and the result is comparable to a heat seeking missile; once deployed, it cannot be reversed back to it’s original position.
What happens when one launches a missile that ends in destruction of a relationship?  Well, honesty is number one, if the missile was prematurely launched because it was a knee-jerk response or it completely destroyed the relationship/friendship, honesty and complete regret followed by apologies, perhaps a 20 carat diamond and a trip to the Bahamas might ease the hurt.  Then again, there’s the rare gems that just won’t believe your apology and then you’re left with a broken friendship.  Sometimes the best thing is to endure the consequences.

If we are that careless with our minds and tongue then perhaps we deserve what we get and should take the lumps.  The worst thing is that we lost a friend and yes, one does not want to lose a friend especially when many years of friendship has been enjoyed.  The positive side, if you will, is that we can glean valuable lessons whether it’s for ourselves and our future friends or in teaching our children about the importance of using Christ-like behavior and what happens when you do not watch your words and actions.  Most of all, we need to remind ourselves that while we are human, we must not make the same mistake by allowing our heat to over come our duty to speak oft kind words to each other.

Ultimate Question

I wrote this to the question in group today: What does God want you to do?  (in relation to preparation for Jesus Christ’s return).  Here was my answer:

I am of the firm belief that just as in biblical times, if God gives us a job to do he will provide a way in which to do the job.

Case in point: We learn about Abraham as he was an old man had a son, Isaac.  Abraham waited all his life for children but Sarah was barren and not able to give him children.  Hagar his slave eventually gave him a son but, that was in the future.

When God instructed Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, Abraham obeyed God and went about the chore of the day when one sacrifices on the alters according to Mosaic Law.

We know from our studies that this Law was to symbolically prepare for Christ and his sacrifice on the Cross.  Everything leading up to this event was in preparation.

As Abraham prepared his son for sacrifice, think of what was going on in his head.  He’s been promised that through his seed, Isaac, great nations would rise like the stars in the sky and yet, he was to be sacrificed on the alter.

Because Abraham went through with the sacrifice the angel instructed Abraham to not go through with it.  What did God provide to finish the sacrifice?

He provided a ram to take Isaac’s place.

We see in every instance from Genesis through Revelation God provides so that his children can follow what he wants them to do.

When God had had enough and wanted to purge the earth (a symbolic Baptism) before pouring flood waters out of the gates of heaven, he instructed Noah to build the Ark and it protected Noah and his family because Noah obeyed.  If Noah decided, not to build the Ark, he and his family would have parished in the flood along with everyone else.

When the Israelites were to be freed from the land of bondage during Moses’ time, God provided a feast of Passover so that the children could, if they obeyed, be protected from the plague of death of the firstborn.  Some did not and they either lost their own lives or they lost their first born child’s life.

God provides for us in every instance to do his will but God won’t force us to do it.  If you can see the signs and you are taught to prepare (like the 10 wise and foolish virgins when half did not trim their lamps with enough oil, they were closed out of the marriage ceremony) and if you do not, you have only yourself to blame, not God.

Satan dictates but he doesn’t open doors, he closes them; he deceives us appearing as an angel of light and he may spew some truth within the lies.  The truth is to prepare for ourselves, the lie is that we must slave alone to do it or it does not count.

God never asks us to go through our trials alone, that’s why we have church and fellowship of our brothers and sisters.  We’re supposed to pull together and help each other be it instructing, physical assistance, service and all through prayer and a heart of charity.

God provides.  God always does; only if we do the work first; we have to prove our worthiness by doing the footwork and never more than we can do.  He asks us to run the race, not run ourselves to death doing it.  We must work at our own salvation at least as much as we possibly can and do everything within our means.  At the end of all we have done, God picks up the slack.  He promises us that; however you will never find in the bible where he said he’d do it all for us while we sit back doing nothing.

Deborah

Dealing as an LDS Blogger/Writer

How do LDS Bloggers and anything to do with the written word and idea deal with those who are not LDS and are bent on creating trouble?  Well, in my last job which ended last night, I’d like to share how.

God never closes one door without opening another.  I had seen the hand of God working about a month before this day when he had my son’s father send in enough money to equal the amount the job was paying me.

At first I didn’t see it.  I appreciated the extra money.  I am a struggling writer that a year ago was involved in a bit of a cross roads regarding my care providing job involving my mentally ill/Autistic and Developmentally Delayed adult child who was becoming increasingly violent.  At one point I had no choice but to move him to a secured level 4 (highest) i (highest) facility in June year last; now I was jobless, had no health insurance making me have to stop my depression medication.  I couldn’t turn to the church having been inactive (job related) for 12 years as my son’s condition deteriorated.

While I had saved about 3 mos of wages to carry me in an emergency, my son’s in and out of the psych unit here in my city made quick use of my savings and depleted my food storage.  In order to earn money, my son had to be home for it.  Earning money when he was in and out of the psych hospital difficult if not impossible.  The entire job left me burnt out and I had a small nervous breakdown when it was all over.

I turned to the church, not for physical assistance but for my Bishop’s Heavenly Father inspired counsel.  I needed a strong presence from the Holy Spirit to touch my heart and heal me.  I was (and still am to a degree) suffering.  In this day of cut backs and lay offs, there is no help for a single woman with an adult child in my area.  I don’t qualify for any assistance.

My life has taken an interesting turn which I will share later hopefully in another blog entry here.

I picked up freelance writing as a means to make the bills when son entered the hospitals and spent upwards of 60 days in treatment.

Anyway, I landed this job 4 mos into the whirlwind regarding my son and agencies.  The trial was for 30 days writing entries on his India based Forum.  250 words each entry.  The host lived in Kuwait on a job even though his home was in India.

I was fresh off another Christian Forum who had fired it’s freelancers because they ran out of funding.  I was writing engaging blogs 2 and sometimes 3k in length x 10 profiles (mine) and was already used to doing this entry work on forums.  After daily entries in the 20k word range, this 250 word entry per day to me was child’s play.  I just paid mind that they were not all that familiar with the LDS faith and to launch into my testimony and about Joseph Smith on a board mostly Hindu and Islam/Muslim was just asking for trouble.  They were more into the handful of over 600 idols and gods they worship than “my” Heavenly Father.  I kept mum for a bit and simply shared about USA and Christianity in general when asked; I did manage to slip in a few gems from my testimony and about Heavenly Father, LDS and our Temples on a general level.

After 30 days, the man that hired me appeared to like what I was doing and offered me a 6 month job.  He didn’t increase the entries but attached chat room support, nearly tripled my rate and set it in contract.  The chat room support was to equal 5 hours per day, 6 days per week.  If anyone here has done chat room work, it’s not always a cake walk and this wasn’t anywhere near an easy job.

The problem was that I quoted 150 days in accepting his bid and he quoted 180 days in the description.  He let 30 days go offering at the signing of the contract to merely open another ticket with a 10% fee to the job board he would add to the last milestone payment (if you need clarification, just ask, it’s too long to explain in this entry).

About 4 mos into the job and I was regretting ever working for this person.  I am an open minded woman with a strong testimony so not much gets me upset other than calling me anything but a child of God and hot button issues like rape, etc.).  In this business, you have your difficult bosses and then you have those impossible ones.  We know the type, right?  Nothing is satisfactory.

He was the latter.  Impossible to please.  Then again, I am a strong minded woman from the US and that is not acceptable on this board.  The men rule the roost and the women grovel.  I don’t grovel, so because of this, I was verbally abused in email he sent me after month 2 on the board/chat.  He warned me to behave.  I didn’t understand what he meant.  I was conversing, answering questions, forming friendships and chatting.  I was doing my job.

Oh, his idea of behaving had nothing to do with the words I was writing, no, his “behave” command was because I dared replied on the “men’s” subjects.  I wondered why there were no women replying on the politics and social ills mentioned on the board.  There are no such restrictions in the USA in our Freedom of Speech, but it was a quiet law women do not become involved in male subjects (whatever that means).

He didn’t use nasty language in his notes to me, that would have banned him from the job boards he uses to hire freelance writers like myself, he just chose to belittle and bully which didn’t settle well with me.

I have a lot of satisfied clients, but as I read this man’s hate filled letter to me, I couldn’t help wonder why I was strangely calm about it.  Why wasn’t I upset at his erroneous accusations?  Surely anyone else would be retaliating in kind and yes, I surely would have had it not been for my sudden calm feeling that washed over me and had me like I had wrapped myself in it.  It was as welcoming as a warm blanket fresh from the dryer on a crisp cold Winter evening.

I wrote back ignoring his accusations and instead addressed the business end of the contract.  I snapped both screens of the project showing him it was closed.  I took careful wording to thank him for having hired me completely ignoring his protests and flying accusations.  All through this, I was calm and without one ounce of wanting to lay into him as I would have any other time.

When he returned with a angry retort, again, no bad language, just more heat and accusations, I saw this for what it was: a period at the end of this bad job.  That way out was provided by Heavenly Father and I took it.

Funny, I am no worse off now that the job is over, I am where I was 3 mos ago financially.  I haven’t lost anything except a job that left me exhausted each day because I was battling a culture that didn’t like women or the USA and was run by a man bent on a power trip.

Heavenly Father gave me the ability to leave in a dignified manner.

Our Father in heaven loves each of us as his children.  Yes, sometimes things are bleak and dark as they had been for me over the past year and a half.

I wrote yesterday in my reply to one of my groups that God will always give us a way to do his Will; I posted it here in the forum.  I hope it helps you here and in your daily walk with God and in Christ.  All we have to do is walk through that opened door to something better.

Welcome To My World

Thanks for dropping by Deborah’s  Corner.

I am changing things constantly, sometimes I change my portfolio’s graphics to keep it current.

I do work freelance and I have a reasonable turn around.  I can use your photos or mine, whichever you prefer.

I have been known to do work for nothing, well, not entirely true, I do work to boost my experience, but, I don’t charge for it.

I never use work without permission and I never use your work in my portfolio unless you grant me permission.

Interested?  You can contact me by emailing me directly: crowdeborah1 at gmail dot com.

Enjoy your stay.

Deborah

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Graphic dedicated to

Gretchen 4/1996-2/2011